It's time to let the world know what I've lived with for the past 17 years- a bipolar husband. Oh, you're surprised? I bet. He puts in a front that could even fool a psychiatrist, and that he's done. Only his close friends and nuclear family know. His parents deny it (they think it's me) but that story is for another day. Oh where to start?
My intent of this blog is to not only get out what I'm personally feeling, but hopefully help others like me relate to the life I live. I'm not a doctor, nor do I know a whole awful lot about this disease, but I've lived with it for so long I'm able to pick "one" out of the crowd.
No names- he will be referred to as "he", "my husband" or "the asshole".
It's been almost three years since his "diagnosis". I quote that word bc his doctor isn't quite sure if his problems are solely bipolar or if he's got other things going on too- personality disorder, Tourette's, OCD, ADHD, amongst other weird habits or conditions.
These past three years have been quite the challenge. Who am I kidding, the past 16 years have been quiet the challenge. I never know what to expect on a daily basis. Is he going to be in a good mood? Will he blame me for sleeping in? Is he going to be nice to my new friends? Will I have to calm him down in the car because someone "intentionally" cut him off- because obviously everyone is out to get him. These are just a few daily struggles we have together. Trust me, there are many many more.
No need to dwell in the past so let's start with today:
May 7th, 2014
Today I woke up in my bed alone. This isn't unusual as he falls asleep on the couch most nights (4am). I got myself dressed and then our children. Took the oldest to school and then the youngest. I was excited because the night before I asked him if he wanted to go out to breakfast in the morning. He agreed and I had it in my head that that's what the plan was! I got home from dropping off my youngest at school (we had the day off of work) and got myself ready. I attempted to wake him up. No dice. I sat patiently waiting. I tried again. No dice. Just snoring. So I made myself busy and returned an hour later. He had moved positions so maybe this time he would open his eyes. No dice. Then two whole hours after the first attempt I firmed up my voice and said "I'm really hungry can you get up so we can now go to brunch before they close?" His response, "I can't do this. Just go, leave me alone because I don't want to hear it". Oh. Ok. What didn't he want to hear? Does he realize that by saying those things and ignoring me and breaking yet another "date" that he's more likely to "hear it " than if I sat there and continued waking him up? Who knows. So I shot a text to my girlfriend asking if she wanted to do lunch because by now it was noon- still sleeping in the couch. I had a fabulous lunch with my friend ! We laughed and had serious girl talk. When it was time to head home I checked my phone- 3 text messages from him. 1) "where r u". 2) "I really feel fucking awesome right now". 3) "hello". I ignored it and just came home. Guess what he was doing? Still asleep on the couch. Snoring. So he woke up to text me but didn't bother doing anything about it. Didn't he tell me to "just go"? He did.
Fast forward to 4pm. Still on the couch. But now awake and ignoring me. He does this when he's mad at himself or when I'm happy about something. I believe he can't stand his own behavior so he takes it out on me as if I was the cause or the reason for the behavior.
5pm - makes coffee, smokes weed and proceeds to eat what is the equivalent to 5 regular person meals. I'm sure his excuse is because he didn't eat all day, but it's probably that and the munchies from the weed amongst his inability to stop. Because he never does anything in moderation.
So here I sit, being ignored because he slept all day? Because he feels bad for not taking me out for breakfast? Because, because? I don't know. It's very confusing and does a number on my self esteem. I've learned from reading other peoples stories that I can't take it personally. Or shouldn't. But I do. Most of the time I question my reasoning, sanity and whatever else I'm being blamed for. Did I cause this? 99.99% of the time I don't. It manifests in his head that he can do no wrong and always and forever will place the blame anywhere but on himself.
So today is a bad day. Not terrible. Just bad. I rate
It a 4/10. He's not yelling or screaming. He's speaking to the kids, just not me. This too shall pass- or will it?
